How to communicate with a teenager from the age of 14? As with a friend - but friends do not check diaries
- How to communicate with a child friend?
- Transitional age is a myth
- And I do not check diaries with friends
Parents of adolescents notice that after about 14 years, any explanation of them is perceived by the child with hostility. Why? Because the child has grown up. After age stage "king" (from birth to 5 years) came stage "student" (from 5 to 14 years) , and now we are getting to the "friend" stage. How to behave with a teenager to maintain a relationship, says psychologist Satya das.
The last stage of growing up is called "friend." From about fourteen years of age, the child’s parents should understand that he’s grown up. Everything that you could invest and explain in it, you have already explained and invested. If you have not invested - it is too late to invest, nothing will change.
And in fact this is the most difficult stage. If we can still somehow present and make a child “king” or “student”, then we do not perceive him as a friend at all. How can a friend who wrote in diapers be a friend, throw a cat out the window at four years old and do a lot of such stupid things?
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How to communicate with a child friend?
What does child-friend mean? Does he really have to be your friend? It is unlikely to succeed. But at the same time you are obliged to speak with your child with those words and with that intonation, as when communicating with your real adult friend.
Imagine that you came with a friend somewhere and live in the same hotel room. And so he did not make the bed in the morning, and this annoys you.
How do you tell him about this? You will try to make it softer so that he does not take offense in response and send you to hell. And you will order your child to remove this bed, without thinking how he will perceive it. But he would be offended by this mandative tone as he would have offended your friend.
Suppose up to five years old your child is not a “king”, from five to fourteen he is a slave, not a “pupil”, and after fourteen he also has not become a friend. What happens then? He will run away from you. Do you know what this approach is called? Mockery, emotional aggression against the child.
Up to five years old, a child with such treatment is crying. From five to fourteen years old he will be offended, silent and closed. From the age of fourteen he will start to snap back, and you will consider that it has begun transitional age .
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Transitional age is a myth
But in fact, transitional age is a myth, it does not exist. It is clear that adolescents get more hormones, but when children become unmanageable, this means that adults sneered and crushed, and children finally learned to resist, snarl and defend themselves.
If a child was subjected to emotional aggression up to fourteen years old, then at fourteen years old it is not a “hormonal explosion” that happens, but just a child will grow to the age when he gained strength to begin to resist aggression. If they are physically strong boys, then at this stage they can easily answer the father who puts pressure on them, just physically. And parents blamed it on hormonal explosion and transitional age.
The best thing you can do with a child over fourteen years old, if you have problems with him, is to leave him alone.
You call it a transitional period, because before this did not exist, but now it has suddenly appeared. You hope that the transition period will end with age, but in fact the problems will not disappear anywhere and will move to a new level. And I urge not to put pressure on children, but to educate yourself.
When a child learns to snap, then the next step is to try to escape from you. Do not be surprised if your sixteen-year-old son wants to go to study somewhere in the wilderness for some completely exotic specialty or in fifteen years go to some terrible vocational school on the other side of the country. And you think: "Yes, I myself came from Nizhny Tagil to St. Petersburg, and he wants to leave here the devil knows where, why he does it, why?".
But in fact, he does all this because he wants only one thing - to dump from you, because you are the aggressor in his life. He needs to go somewhere, to be away from the crazy parents who have already got, and so he goes somewhere far away.
The girl has much more opportunities to escape than the boy. She can leave to study, or she can get married. If your daughter at the age of sixteen fell off with some kind of suspicious type on a motorcycle, and they got married, then this means that you rubbed the poor girl. Perhaps when she is thirty-six and you are fifty-eight, you will restore the relationship. But not the fact that this happens.
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And I do not check diaries with friends
If you do not do what is necessary at each stage, then problems inevitably arise. Remember your feelings in adolescence, when your parents did not treat you like a friend. Do not repeat their mistakes.
At fourteen, the child should become a friend, and nothing else. I had one student - a very colorful personality. When he first came to my classes, I asked:
- What happened?
- Yes, you know, I have a problem with children.
- What's the problem?
- They don't listen to me at all. I tell them, but they do not listen. We are on the knives for a long time. I appeal to them, and they answer - go away, leave us alone.
I ask, how old are the children? I think ten and twelve.
And he answers:
“Twenty-five and twenty-seven.”
- Listen, my friend, but do not you think that you are about twelve or thirteen years late with morals?
- How late? But I'm their father.
- Everyone, from the age of fourteen they must be your friends.
“But we are friends with them.”
- Look, we are friends. If I start teaching you, telling you what you should wear, what you should eat, how you should think, who to pray and so on, what will you do?
- I'll send you!
- Here they also sent you.
- But they are my children!
- No, you decide, you are their friend or not friend.
And he worried so long, then let go of the peasant. He began to come to classes joyful, because it turned out: he did not have such bad children as he believed. He just started to be friends with them. Just as he was friends with adult men. By the principle: if you want to know how you are doing, - find out, you can help with something - help, you are not asked - shut up. And it turned out that his children are adults, with their own interests, quite normal, and they don’t send him anywhere else.
When your child turns fourteen, become a friend to him. If he is five years old, make sure that he becomes the right "student." And if he was just born, do not forget that he is "king".
People sometimes ask me how these periods of raising children go from one to another. Will not the child be shocked by the fact that instead of the "king" he suddenly became a "disciple."
Do not worry. This transition does not happen in two seconds - five years old - and bang, immediately transferred to "students." The transition period is brewing gradually. With my child, we started becoming friends about a year before he was fourteen. And I slowly prepared myself for this.
The problem is not the child, the problem is in the parents. That they should not miss the right moment and not dull. You have to tell yourself - everything, baby, my friend. And I don't check diaries with friends. I can not read him moralizing and say something like that, because everything had to have time to say up to fourteen years.
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